Questions not answered by the UNKNOWN SCREENWRITER.
Should I type FADE IN: at the beginning of my screenplay?
You should use BEAM IN when writing for Paramount.
Should I number my scenes?
yes and use the word SCENE before it; you should also give each one a title.
Generally speaking, about how many parentheticals should I have in my screenplay?
One less than you put in.
Can I just type FIN at the end of my screenplay?
WTF? Are you Quebecois or French?
Do you use Celtx?
Yep, but that probably has to do with being near Boston.
If I use Celtx to write my screenplay will I have a better chance of selling it?
Yes, but a crayon is better and cutting words from newspapers and pasting them onto paper is the best.
Should I sign my screenplay?
Yes, with a quill.
Should I include my email address on my screenplay?
You should use paper watermarked with your E-mail address.
Why do I have to put my character’s name in caps througout my screenplay?
The other option is to give each one a unique color.
What do I do with my screenplay when I’m finished with it?
Use it to line the birdcage.
Can you take a look at page 69 of my screenplay and tell me if it’s correct?
Is that the one with your gay oral sex scene?
Should I send my screenplay to you in a box or an envelope?
Aluminum case with a lock. Keys should be mailed seperately.
If I pay you $5000, will you help me sell my screenplay?
Of course. I guarantee it.
If I pay you $10,000 will you help me sell my screenplay?
Again. I guarantee it. It will happen twice as fast.
Will you marry me?
I'm willing to take offers from any female millionaire nymphomaniacs.
What font should I use to write my screenplay?
Battlestar Galactica Font.
Can I just write my screenplay in Word?
Most screenplays are longer than one word.
How many pages should my screenplay be?
Depends on what genre it is.
How long should each act of my screenplay be?
Depends on what gender it is.
Is it okay if my hero and villain both have the same name?
And I'm sure someone someday will think that's brilliant.
Is it okay if my Protagonist is Hillary Clinton?
Only if it involves a strap-on.
Is it okay to thank my Mom in my screenplay?
You can thank her by getting her the part of a street walker.
Is it okay to thank my husband in my screenplay?
You can thank him by having him star against Hillary with her strap-on.
Is it okay to thank YOU in my screenplay?
If you do, I have lawyers available.
Do you accept credit cards?
If your credit limit is high enough.
Do you live alone?
Only when my luck holds.
What’s your favorite color?
What’s your favorite food?
What’s your favorite drink?
Non-alcoholic : Venti White chocolate Mocha with whip cream
Alcoholic : Slow Comfortable Screw Up Against The Wall
Do you smoke?
three cigarettes a day, but going to quit soon.
Do you drink?
Only about twice a year now.
What color are you eyes?
When’s the last time you had sex?
Four times today, all by myself.